Dealing With Difficult People

As I write this blog, I am in the middle of trying to help a couple of dear friends resolve their relational difficulties. One thing I’ve discovered about people is that we’re all fallible. And sometimes we do things and say things that make it difficult for others to be around us. We’ve all had to deal with people that are difficult in our lives. And we’ve all also been the difficult person at some time or another. I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that God created each of us with unique characteristics, abilities, personalities and talents. We each have a particular niche we fit into that makes us productive in every aspect of life. And sometimes the things that make us so good at what we do are the same things that irritate the ‘snot’ out of others. At other times, as a result of our selfishness, personality differences or any other number of reasons, we're simply hard to get along with. The truth is all of us can be difficult to deal with on any given day. So what do you do when that happens?
I’m sure all of you have had the challenge of working with a person that drives you absolutely up the wall… You know the kind of person I’m talking about – the one that makes the vein on your forehead pop out and your face turn beet red. Maybe you’re struggling with a person like that right now and you don’t know how to handle your frustration. Dealing with someone like that every day can easily keep you from doing your best job if you allow them to continue to get under your skin. You try to work but every time you get around them, your blood pressure goes up and all you can think about is how better things would be if they weren’t around. Listen, you don’t have to stay in that sort of state. And as long as you choose to do so, you limit your ability to make a difference in the world and be used by God according to His plan and purpose in your life. You can make a choice to let it go. Take control of the situation and put a few simple steps into action that will make your work and your life a lot more enjoyable. Here are a few things that work for me…
1 – Realize: You Can’t Make Everybody Happy
No matter how good you are at what you do or how wonderful your personality, there are some people you won’t be able to please regardless of how hard you may try – and maybe that’s the problem. You shouldn’t try to please everybody or do what you do for their approval. Do what you do for the glory of God and for His pleasure – that’s what you were created to do.
There are some folks in life you’ll struggle being around. I personally struggle with folks who get so wrapped up in their own desires and plans that they don’t think about anyone but themselves. They’re not very considerate of others. Believe it or not, I find these people in ministry all the time. But keep in mind… you don’t have to make them happy.
2 – Don’t Let Conflict Catch You by Surprise… Be Prepared
If you know that you’re prone to have conflict with a friend or coworker, pray about the situation and ask God to give you wisdom. Decide before the confrontation ever happens how you’re going to react to the situation. Know your own limitations and make sure you don’t compromise the things you know are right – including your reactions. And when the time comes you’ll be prepared. Realize that the problems the other person has are not yours… pray for the person and encourage them.
3 – Don’t Retaliate
When someone hurts you, your first reaction will most likely be to lash back in retaliation. That’s not a good thing to do. Regardless of whether or not the other person deserves it, retaliation will fuel the fire of conflict and bring about more hurt. Most of the people I know who thrive on being difficult also thrive on continuing controversy. They feed off the tension and it makes them feel even more powerful. The best way to react to a person like this is to “kill them with kindness”. Go overboard in encouraging them and offering to pray for them. Refuse to engage in an angry exchange. Most likely they’ll move to someone else.
4 – Try Being a Sounding Board
The old saying that hurting people hurt people is true. Sometimes the folks that hurt you are just looking for someone to talk to… someone to vent their frustrations to. Try to listen and be empathetic. You might even be able to help the person improve their disposition and make life better for everyone. This approach won’t always work, however, but it’s worth a try.
5 – Sometimes You Just Have to Move on.
Sometimes you will reach an impasse with difficult people. There are some people you just can’t reason with or resolve your difference with. When that happens, you have to choose to move on. If you’re working with a person like this you might have to think about moving. Otherwise, the conflict could mean that you both lose your jobs. It’s never easy when you come to this conclusion, but if you will follow the Bible and “in honor give preference to the other person” by moving on, God will bless you. Don’t do it until you’ve tried to work through your issues, and even if you decide that you have to move on, try to remain Christ-like in your relationship with the other person. Remember that your interaction with them has not been one of simply working together, God put you with them for a ministry opportunity. Ask yourself what kind of Christian impression you are leaving on their life.
Never forget that none of us is perfect. There is also no relationship that is perfect. One reality you can count on in life is that you’re going to have a disagreement, an argument or a confrontation with a coworker, neighbor or someone you love. There are ways to settle these issues respectfully without fighting. Making peace in spite of our imperfections is always the optimal solution. When you can’t do that, life gets pretty miserable. Sometimes we bring a lot of misery in our lives because of our unwillingness to see the “whole picture”. We look everywhere and to every reason for a solution… except from ourselves… The whole problem could be a result of our own actions! If so, admit it, repent and work it out. God’s desire is for us to work together in a spirit of unity. If you find yourself sitting around talking about how the other person isn’t very much of a team member, yet you don’t invite them to be a part of the team, you’re making matters worse. If you’re a part of the team, part of your responsibility is to hold the team together, not to continue to tear it apart. If you want to make life better for everyone around you, try making peace with one another.
Portions of this post have been adapted from “5 Tips for Dealing with the Coworker from Hell”, by Jennifer Gruenemay, ACE-Certified, LifeScript Staff Writer.

Posted in: Conflict, difficult people, peace, relational tension