My Sabbatical Journey - Part Two

The beginning of my struggle with PTSD began soon after the Gulf War in 1991. While serving as the commander of an airborne company, one of my officers died literally in my arms as I tried desperately to save him. Another of my soldiers was horrifically killed at the same place due to a mortal head wound. And at a different place and time, another officer committed suicide right in front of my command post. Statistics tell us that most soldiers who are exposed to any event that results in psychological trauma will experience PTSD in some form. But if the soldier still experiences trauma after 3 months or so, the disorder is considered chronic. I have experienced PTSD for twenty years, so my disorder is chronic. At times, my life has been a living hell. I couldn’t understand why God wouldn’t take this condition away. No one understood what I was going thru. I was hesitant to share with anyone about my struggles because I was fearful that I would be labeled as mentally challenged, mentally unstable, or any other number of undeserving names. I felt guilty and responsible for their deaths since I was their commander and gave them orders. So I stuffed it down, gritted my teeth and tried to tough it out like any good ole southern boy is supposed to do, right? Unfortunately, that doesn’t work. So that brings me to where I am now. I have tried everything I know to come to grips with PTSD, but I haven’t found the secret yet. However, I had been researching several programs that specialize in the treatment of the disorder. Imagine the surprise when an open slot “just happened” to fall in my lap. (Yeah right! I don’t believe in “just happened” things in the life of a believer.) So I sensed this was the provision of God and I volunteered to go. I felt that the therapy, counseling and treatment I would receive would not only benefit me, but also my family and my church. I’m glad I chose to go. I have learned a tremendous amount about my condition and thru teaching I now have several “tools” that are helping me cope with PTSD. I no longer feel like I’m going insane. I don’t want to hide this condition anymore. And I now know that PTSD is not some sort of label that disqualifies me from anything. Other people may think so, but it’s really just another medical condition like diabetes. I didn’t choose this disorder. I didn’t do anything to cause it. I didn’t ask for it. And it’s not my fault. By God’s grace, I feel I have led a productive life for 20 years with the disorder – twelve of those years have been in ministry. And I think I have many more productive years ahead of me.

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